I wasn't much of a "colourful" dresser, but Topshop is making me break out of my usual monochromatic-minimalistic style.
The struggle is real.
1.02.2014
The clothes wear me
So lately I've been quite busy slaving away to teen trash such as The O.C., Gossip Girl, you name it. And since the epic Christmas period/Jesus' b'day is done and dusted, I'm so frikin' poor. Nevertheless, I still want about...hmm let's see...5 billion things.
Like this skirt. Isn't it just excellent? It's one of those skirts that could actually stop a crowd. I like the feminine form of it in terms of how it just accentuates your hips and then greatly protudes in a sort of 'I'm-a-sick-as-ballerina' sorta way. I like it a lot. I think I may even love it.
I mean, if I get the skirt, I might as well get the matching top as well right?
It's currently Summer and I keep seeing heart shaped sweat marks on people's backs but that won't stop me from looking for an oversized coat. I want something like this coat. Emphasis on the "something like". The ideal coat would have to have those four buttons in the shape of a square on one side (Sorry I have no idea what the actual fashion term is!), and the colour has to be a royal blue.
I've saved the best for last.....this head piece. How extravagant. How adorable. How exotic. When I lay my hands on this I'm going to wear it ALL. THE. TIME. I'm SO going to be a tryhard bohemian princess. Except the price is $148 US and I'm struggling to buy a medium sized McDonald's meal.
12.05.2013
Image
I can't help but hate myself more and more each time someone makes a comment about how small I am or my height.
11.28.2013
11.27.2013
11.25.2013
9.26.2013
Love Struck
Not much a bag person but owning this bag would most definitely change my mind. I'm superficial, what about it?
6.06.2013
In the long haul.
We've all been taught to 'dream big' but kids these days. With their noses high up in the air with too-confident strides to match. What a blood thirsty generation we've become. I can hear grumbling stomachs everywhere. The heartless competition, the uphill struggle, the slow meaningless days.
And do you know what sucks? I'm in this for the long haul.
And do you know what sucks? I'm in this for the long haul.
Fuck commitments. I'm too sensitive for this shit.
12.18.2012
12.16.2012
drones
Some days start out better than others; today wasn't one of those days.
In my dreams I am dead. I forget how to deal with myself.
In my dreams I am alone. I have been abandoned by the people around me.
More and more it feels like these dreams are becoming realistic. My thoughts are most likely preparing me for what's coming. I've become increasingly reliant on getting everyone's attention. I have a constant urge to remind people that I'm still here.
I can't be too sure of myself lately. I can't stop thinking about irrelevant, insignificant details. My mind is always fixated on situations that will never happen. It's a bad habit that I can't get rid of. I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I'm comfortable. And with all this extra time on my hands, it gives me too much leeway to think.
I leave to find noise that can comfort me. A distraction, a new routine to be fond of. As time consuming these distractions can be, I always finish earlier than intended.
For some reason I feel uneasy, like I'm missing something.
This is why I should start prohibiting my thoughts.
In my dreams I am dead. I forget how to deal with myself.
In my dreams I am alone. I have been abandoned by the people around me.
More and more it feels like these dreams are becoming realistic. My thoughts are most likely preparing me for what's coming. I've become increasingly reliant on getting everyone's attention. I have a constant urge to remind people that I'm still here.
I can't be too sure of myself lately. I can't stop thinking about irrelevant, insignificant details. My mind is always fixated on situations that will never happen. It's a bad habit that I can't get rid of. I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I'm comfortable. And with all this extra time on my hands, it gives me too much leeway to think.
I leave to find noise that can comfort me. A distraction, a new routine to be fond of. As time consuming these distractions can be, I always finish earlier than intended.
For some reason I feel uneasy, like I'm missing something.
This is why I should start prohibiting my thoughts.
12.04.2012
Sadness is for the lonely.
10:11 p.m. I'm realising that I hate everything.
Forgive me, I'm tired and lingering on a mere 6 hours of sleep.
The more I learn, the lonelier I feel.
Forgive me, I'm tired and lingering on a mere 6 hours of sleep.
The more I learn, the lonelier I feel.
11.28.2012
The Pretender: Part One
"You're naive" he said
I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I didn't know what to feel because I knew I wasn't naive. I know more than he does.
The dismal failure of relationships.
The broken friendships.
The sicknesses.
The insecurities.
I'm not naive. I knew exactly what was going on.
But still, I said nothing and just laughed. Why am I pretending to be something I'm not?
11.26.2012
11.25.2012
11.17.2012
there's no home(run) for you here.
When I was in grade three, I loathed Friday afternoons. Every Friday afternoon my class would engage in 'Afternoon Sport' Not sure if it was to genuinely promote the importance of physical activity (because all of us were active during recess and lunch) or a plan for my teacher to have a discreet break from teaching.
One afternoon, the class had voted on Rounders. I knew this boy named Abdullah. He was the fastest runner in our grade. He was such an arrogant bastard; I've always wanted to put him in his place.
We started playing. Abdullah was in the same team as I was. I thought nothing of the game. I just wanted this afternoon to pass.
My turn.
I kicked.
I ran to first base.
Repeat.
The game was drawing to a close. Fuck. I was the last runner. In the game, the last runner had to get all the other runners on the bases home in order to win.
"Aw man. We're going to lose" I heard Abdullah say.
That's it. I'm going to bring down this fucker. I gathered enough courage and started walking to my kicking position. Here goes nothing.
I kicked. It was a strong kick. I got two runners home.
I remember a line quickly forming behind me. Lucky strike I thought. I won't get the rest of the players home. I prepared myself to face humiliation.
I kicked again. It was another strong kick. All of the runners ran home. I was overflowing with excitement. People started cheering for me. Then I started to think I could actually win this game. I could prove that Abdullah mother fucker wrong.
My team needed one more point to win the game. I needed to make a home run.
I kicked. It was a high one. I dropped my bat and ran faster than I have ever ran before.
"OUT"
I looked to see a boy holding the ball in his hands smirking at me.
"You're slow" Abdullah blatantly said
And I used to be such a non-competitive person.
One afternoon, the class had voted on Rounders. I knew this boy named Abdullah. He was the fastest runner in our grade. He was such an arrogant bastard; I've always wanted to put him in his place.
We started playing. Abdullah was in the same team as I was. I thought nothing of the game. I just wanted this afternoon to pass.
My turn.
I kicked.
I ran to first base.
Repeat.
The game was drawing to a close. Fuck. I was the last runner. In the game, the last runner had to get all the other runners on the bases home in order to win.
"Aw man. We're going to lose" I heard Abdullah say.
That's it. I'm going to bring down this fucker. I gathered enough courage and started walking to my kicking position. Here goes nothing.
I kicked. It was a strong kick. I got two runners home.
I remember a line quickly forming behind me. Lucky strike I thought. I won't get the rest of the players home. I prepared myself to face humiliation.
I kicked again. It was another strong kick. All of the runners ran home. I was overflowing with excitement. People started cheering for me. Then I started to think I could actually win this game. I could prove that Abdullah mother fucker wrong.
My team needed one more point to win the game. I needed to make a home run.
I kicked. It was a high one. I dropped my bat and ran faster than I have ever ran before.
"OUT"
I looked to see a boy holding the ball in his hands smirking at me.
"You're slow" Abdullah blatantly said
And I used to be such a non-competitive person.
Another Memory Extract
I was five or so. An age that is too long ago. I was at a local grocery market with my Mum.
My Mum left me at the sorry-excuse-of-an-arcade area to look after the groceries she had bought while she scouted for more. I stood there. I don't remember what I was wearing but I distinctly remember that I had my little Pooh-bear sling bag.
I waited.
An Asian man came up to me.
"Hello! Where's your mother?" he charmingly asked in Vietnamese
- She went to buy groceries. Who are you?
"I'm your Mum's good friend. What are you doing?"
At this point, I had completely trusted the unknown man. My Mum always mentioned the fundamentals of 'Stranger Danger' but at this point, I threw all that out the window and completely trusted the unknown man. Afterall, he was a good friend of my mothers'.
- I'm waiting.
"What's that bag you have? It's very nice"
- Thank you. It was a gift from my Aunt.
"Do you have any money in there?"
My Mum left me at the sorry-excuse-of-an-arcade area to look after the groceries she had bought while she scouted for more. I stood there. I don't remember what I was wearing but I distinctly remember that I had my little Pooh-bear sling bag.
I waited.
An Asian man came up to me.
"Hello! Where's your mother?" he charmingly asked in Vietnamese
- She went to buy groceries. Who are you?
"I'm your Mum's good friend. What are you doing?"
At this point, I had completely trusted the unknown man. My Mum always mentioned the fundamentals of 'Stranger Danger' but at this point, I threw all that out the window and completely trusted the unknown man. Afterall, he was a good friend of my mothers'.
- I'm waiting.
"What's that bag you have? It's very nice"
- Thank you. It was a gift from my Aunt.
"Do you have any money in there?"
- No. I have no money.
"Surely you have some money. Just show me! I bet you have heaps!"
I naively showed the man the contents of my bag which was in fact empty.
"Oh well. I'll see you around kid!"
Straight after it clicked. I was close to being robbed.
I saw Mum come back and I told her what had happened.
"Oh. That's strange. I don't many old Vietnamese men. I wonder who it could be" she pondered.
Not the response I was expecting.
I guess naivety runs in the family.
11.14.2012
11.12.2012
Idle chat
"Are you guys seeing each other?" I asked
"N-Well...he's very persistent. He kept asking me to give him a chance. So I did. I mean, I guess we're seeing each other but not really" she replied
"What does that even mean? What do you guys do?"
"Like, we just hang out. We don't have sex or anything. We hold hands, we muck around and occasionally we kiss. I don't consider it as seeing each other, though. I mean, I think he likes me too much"
"Have your feelings grown for him since you've been together?"
"Not at all. I'm trying to reciprocate my feelings but it isn't working. Like, I don't even want to hold hands or kiss him most of the time"
"That's fucked"
Fin.
"N-Well...he's very persistent. He kept asking me to give him a chance. So I did. I mean, I guess we're seeing each other but not really" she replied
"What does that even mean? What do you guys do?"
"Like, we just hang out. We don't have sex or anything. We hold hands, we muck around and occasionally we kiss. I don't consider it as seeing each other, though. I mean, I think he likes me too much"
"Have your feelings grown for him since you've been together?"
"Not at all. I'm trying to reciprocate my feelings but it isn't working. Like, I don't even want to hold hands or kiss him most of the time"
"That's fucked"
Fin.
11.08.2012
Law & Order
When I was in grade prep, like many little girls, I had a crush on Isaac. He was the sporty, tall, badass-looking Latino boy that everyone adored. At least that's what I thought.
I still remember that even though he was so loveable, he was a trouble maker. Once, he wrote the word 'Fuck' on one of the school chairs in crayon. I witnessed this from my playing area, right next to the chair.
An older student told the teacher of the curse word written on the chair. The teacher came to me first and asked me if I did it. I shook my head. (Tangent: I was scared of my grade prep teacher. I was so sure that she was a witch)
Isaac came along and said "Nathan did it" A boy that Isaac never got along with.
Nathan was that ADHD kid in my class. He wasn't liked by my class mates very much. I always had a feeling that he needed the negative attention to overcome his loneliness.
Nathan angrily defended his innocence. My teacher asked me if I knew who did it.
"Yes"
Great. Why didn't I just lie? I looked at Isaac who stood grinning and then I looked at Nathan who was crossing his arms. I was totally fucked. At the age of five, I had to make the choice between lust or justice.
"It was Nathan"
This explains a lot about my character.
I still remember that even though he was so loveable, he was a trouble maker. Once, he wrote the word 'Fuck' on one of the school chairs in crayon. I witnessed this from my playing area, right next to the chair.
An older student told the teacher of the curse word written on the chair. The teacher came to me first and asked me if I did it. I shook my head. (Tangent: I was scared of my grade prep teacher. I was so sure that she was a witch)
Isaac came along and said "Nathan did it" A boy that Isaac never got along with.
Nathan was that ADHD kid in my class. He wasn't liked by my class mates very much. I always had a feeling that he needed the negative attention to overcome his loneliness.
Nathan angrily defended his innocence. My teacher asked me if I knew who did it.
"Yes"
Great. Why didn't I just lie? I looked at Isaac who stood grinning and then I looked at Nathan who was crossing his arms. I was totally fucked. At the age of five, I had to make the choice between lust or justice.
"It was Nathan"
This explains a lot about my character.
11.07.2012
Wishlist No.1
Goal: Before February 2013.
1. Topshop Stud Shoulder Top (£35) I'm a sucker for olive x muscle tops this season! Two thumbs up for this simple (yet super overpriced) garment.
2. Mimco Linear Wallet ($149) I'm sick of carrying my crappy quality Colette purse everywhere. With my clumsiness, I know it's going to be in destroyed in a few weeks. So why not invest in a proper high quality purse, right?
3. Random Gold Tube Necklace ($???) I've been searching far and wide for a necklace like this. Except I want the bar to be a plain gold tube. If anyone knows where I can buy one, give me a shout!
4. Topshop Poppy Print Cami (£26) Summer is coming (Summer is not my friend) I want something sheer to be worn in my upper region without wanting to rip it off when the weather gets too much to handle. This shirt will be suitable for that job, I guess.
5. Tony Bianco Fina ($89.95) I want to feel like a fucking Roman in these gladiator-inspired flats.
6. Mimco Mim Pouch ($69.95) The Mimco-pouch-that-everyone-has in fluoro pink - sold.
11.06.2012
11.05.2012
what day is it?
My eyes peek open. I feel the humid air.
0 missed calls, 0 text messages, 1 email.
I am not going to think about him.
I drag myself out of bed and walk hazily to the refrigerator. My feet feel cool against the wooden floors. I search the compartments of the fridge. I realize that I don't know what I'm looking for. I go back to bed. I feel safe and in-place and I feel myself. But I have nothing to say to myself. My daily concern is 'What looks good on me?' I have nothing to believe in. I'm 17 and this frightens me. I can feel pain.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.
I want to blame everyone for making feel so little. I am boring. With this in mind, I can't seem to push myself out of the bed. I can already tell it's going to rain.
My day starts disappointing the people I care about the most and let down by the people I care least.
I think of all the countless things I am going to do. I flick through the pages of my school planner. Visual Communication Design, Psychology, Design Technology, Math. I reassure myself that I can endure this. I think of what my boss told me about his wines last night. He had been preserving wines for over ten years. When he finally opened a bottle, the wine was smooth and the burning sensation didn't appear in his throat until swallowed. He had patience.
Will being patient make me successful in life?
I look at myself in the mirror. The shadows under my eyes have become permanent. I see the blemishes under my chin, forehead, and nose. T-zone area. This is a bad skin month. I consider having a facial cleaning regime. No. That Clearasil cleanser Mum bought does a moderate job. I am not high maintenance.
I locate myself to my study area. I look at the scattered papers, pens and school-related knick knacks I never find a use for. I open my laptop. If I stay here for too long, I will dim. This is an unusually long and exhausting morning. This feeling shall pass.
It is 2:06 PM. I need to finish all my work today. But then again, there's always tomorrow.
0 missed calls, 0 text messages, 1 email.
I am not going to think about him.
I drag myself out of bed and walk hazily to the refrigerator. My feet feel cool against the wooden floors. I search the compartments of the fridge. I realize that I don't know what I'm looking for. I go back to bed. I feel safe and in-place and I feel myself. But I have nothing to say to myself. My daily concern is 'What looks good on me?' I have nothing to believe in. I'm 17 and this frightens me. I can feel pain.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.
I want to blame everyone for making feel so little. I am boring. With this in mind, I can't seem to push myself out of the bed. I can already tell it's going to rain.
My day starts disappointing the people I care about the most and let down by the people I care least.
I think of all the countless things I am going to do. I flick through the pages of my school planner. Visual Communication Design, Psychology, Design Technology, Math. I reassure myself that I can endure this. I think of what my boss told me about his wines last night. He had been preserving wines for over ten years. When he finally opened a bottle, the wine was smooth and the burning sensation didn't appear in his throat until swallowed. He had patience.
Will being patient make me successful in life?
I look at myself in the mirror. The shadows under my eyes have become permanent. I see the blemishes under my chin, forehead, and nose. T-zone area. This is a bad skin month. I consider having a facial cleaning regime. No. That Clearasil cleanser Mum bought does a moderate job. I am not high maintenance.
I locate myself to my study area. I look at the scattered papers, pens and school-related knick knacks I never find a use for. I open my laptop. If I stay here for too long, I will dim. This is an unusually long and exhausting morning. This feeling shall pass.
It is 2:06 PM. I need to finish all my work today. But then again, there's always tomorrow.
11.04.2012
11.03.2012
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